These are important things that I have learned in my life.
Don't let your fear rule you. This is another gem that I learned while my grandmother was ill and dying. She had found a lump in her breast about a year before she bothered to tell anyone and basically avoided the doctor because she was afraid the doctor would tell her that she had cancer. Sadly she waited to tell me until she had a vicious lump the size of a teacup in her left breast. We went to the doctor as soon as we could and she was then hit head on with her biggest fear and was told by her doctor that she had terminal cancer and had waited to long to seek a medical treatment. I remember during that two month interval between her diagnosis and her death she would often tell my mom, my sister and myself "don't let your fear rule you." Fear is a paralyzing force that if we let into our mind just an inch it takes a yard, builds a house and starts a family there. I suffer from anxiety at times and Ben will tell you that I am a worry wort just like my grandmother and has even dubbed me "Mary Junior." When I get a little sketchy because I am fearful I often remember these valuable words and try not to let my fear direct my decisions.
So be it. I adopted this thought process back in October of 2009 when I was told that I had dangerous types of precancerous cells in my uterus that increased my chances of developing uterine cancer in the next 5 years by 25-30%. I was given a choice of a hysterectomy or cancer. I remember when the doctor told me what I was facing and I told him "I'm sorry I can't do cancer. I just can't." Within a month and a few days before Thanksgiving I was headed into surgery hoping and praying that when they removed my uterus and tested it that they would not find actual cancer cells so that I would not need a follow up surgery to remove my ovaries. 32 is too young to go through menopause!
Going into surgery and being fearful of the unknown I finally had to give up my fears and say "So be it." This brought me back to my sophmore year of college and reading Milan Kundera's The Unbearable Lightness of Being and the topic of Beethoven's "Muss es sein? Es muss sein!" (Must it be? It must be?) I remember coming out of surgery and vaguely remember the next day thinking in my head "Es muss sein!" and thinking that if the worst was cancer so be it. I could do nothing to change if cancer was present. A few weeks later the pathologist report came back clean and I was told that I would be able to keep my ovaries. As I spent the next 6 weeks recovering from surgery and elated that it was not as bad as it could have been I began to think back on 'it must be' and began to do what anyone would naturally do while mourning the loss of their uterus and though 'why me?' Which brings me to my next important thing.
All things happen for a reason whether we understand them or not. I am still not sure why all the things, both good and bad, have happened in my life but I am 100% sure that all of these things have happened for a reason. I usually attribute it to the idea that at some point I will be placed in the path of another who is going through something similar and I will be either an example or an experienced shoulder to lean and cry on. Somethings, like moving to Utah and adopting my son, I have figured out the reason for and others I am still dumbfounded. I try not to spend time with the 'why' thoughts and just shrug and tell myself that one day I will know but for now I just need to know that all things happen for a reason.
I can't change the past but I can change the present. This was born of a quote that my mother is fond of and I of course can't remember the whole thing so this is the shortened version. As I mentioned there are many things both good and bad that have happened to me during the course of my 33 years on earth and I sometimes look back on the past and am enveloped by a flurry of emotions. I can't not change any of the things that have happened or that I have done or said. The only thing that I can control is how I feel now and what I do and say now so that tomorrow can be what I want it to be. It's not an easy thing to live by but something I strive for.
Go with the flow. Change is inevitable and can be painful and hard. My first reaction is to resist but as I age (not that 33 is old; okay it kind of is) I find that if I just sit back and go with the flow things aren't as painful as I've anticipated them to be. This is something I am still learning. Resistance to change is futile.
Live today so that you will remember it tomorrow. I have many wonderful people in my life who remind me of this frequently without ever having to say it to me. This is something I have always struggled with as I am a big planner and like to know what will happen and how things will pan out before I start anything. I have found that I spend more time in thoughts of the future and become blind to what is happening all around me. I figure that at some point I will either become crazy (note I said become) or will become senile and when that day comes I hope that I will be able to remember the best of times and all the laughter and fun that life has to offer. The only way to do that is to live today so that you will remember it tomorrow.
This post, you may think, is one of the hokiest, hallmarkish posts you have read in awhile and you may see me in a lesser light. I am okay with that. Maybe I am posting this because someone needs to read it right this minute and realize something in their life that is important to them. Maybe it is so that I can evaluate where and who I am at this point in my life. Maybe has so many possibilities. Whatever the reason, so be it.
