Freebies and Over Active Guilt Complexes

I hear the phrase "New Year's resolutions" and vomit a little in my mouth. Traditionally I spend the first few months listening to, supporting and judging everyone's new year's resolutions. I've also noticed that there are more Slim-Fast, Gold's Gym and Subway commercials within the first few months of the new year and I must admit that they do make me feel a little guilty for eating the entire foot long and not just the 6 inch sandwich.

In light of the strides others have made in their resolutions, and the stellar examples of will power that they are, I've decided to no longer laugh at those that make insurmountable lists of resolutions only to have failed within 5 days and to throw in the towel and make a few resolutions myself. You, poor trapped reader that you are, will now be subjected to regular entries on this blog by yours truly. All other resolutions I have made will be shared at a fair price of $49.99, plus shipping and handling. Consider yourself lucky that you got a freebie and if I forgot to get you a Christmas present, well, Merry Christmas, you got a freebie.

Kicking It

Due to some minor mishaps with punctuality in the workplace I am now waking up between 5 and 5:30 am each day. I am especially excited by the luxury I now have to daily test the capacity of my water heater by taking epically long hot showers. If you know me at all you are well aware that I believe that the shower is the best place to think and plan your day. There are no distractions and my bathroom became my personal sanctuary when we purchased a door handle with a lock. Usually my shower thoughts tend to run the course of topics like what direction will the next Dexter season go, if I had unlimited amounts of money at my disposal what would I do to the house, and how much body hair sucks and is it truly necessary in a modern world. I was shocked when one morning my shower thoughts tended towards the macabre and what would happen to my family and home should I die. I truly believe that the pre-shower scanning of gray hairs at my temples may have prompted this train of thought. Then I realized I was crossing the trenches of sanity and let my mind wander only to find it listing all of the things and places I want to do and see before I kick the bucket.

So, for those of you who actually read the crap I post on here and judge and love me for it, I present my bucket list which I must preface with the warning that this is mostly a places I want to go list and to prevent massive boredom I shortened it to my faves.

In no particular order I give you the following:

• Bora Bora - those lagoon huts with the glass floors look divine.
• Disneyland during Halloween and I will dress as Malificent (best villian ever.)
• Hawaii- The pool at the Westin Maui looks like a great place to test the theory that if you swim after eating you'll cramp up and drown.
• Yellowstone - I really want to see it before the underground super volcano that is Yellowstone decides to blow it.
• Dominican Republic- I'd like to go here with Ben and see the places he lived. Maybe do some lizard fights too.
• England- Holy crap I love English history and would love to just be surrounded by it. My nerdness would be complete.
• Disney Cruise Line - yep. If your going to go with a kid might as well go big, right?
• Girls road trip- 2 part - part 1 with my sister and mom, part 2 with my awesome friends.

After thinking about why my brain did mostly places to go rather than things to do I've decided that it is rather logical. Why not go places and make and store memories for my golden years because given the crap my brain comes up with in the shower I am pretty sure that I will probably be completely senile within 10 years.

Important Things

These are important things that I have learned in my life.

Live life with no regrets. This I learned when my grandmother died from breast cancer. After taking care of her through the course of her illness she would often confide in me the regrets that she had in life and wondered if some of her decisions were the right ones or not. When she passed on I had a hard time with wondering if I had spent all of my best time with her and if I had done everything for her that I could. Then I remembered one conversation where she told me "Chanin, live life with no regrets. It will be easier." Since that moment that I remembered those words I have made sure to live life with no regrets.

Don't let your fear rule you. This is another gem that I learned while my grandmother was ill and dying. She had found a lump in her breast about a year before she bothered to tell anyone and basically avoided the doctor because she was afraid the doctor would tell her that she had cancer. Sadly she waited to tell me until she had a vicious lump the size of a teacup in her left breast. We went to the doctor as soon as we could and she was then hit head on with her biggest fear and was told by her doctor that she had terminal cancer and had waited to long to seek a medical treatment. I remember during that two month interval between her diagnosis and her death she would often tell my mom, my sister and myself "don't let your fear rule you." Fear is a paralyzing force that if we let into our mind just an inch it takes a yard, builds a house and starts a family there. I suffer from anxiety at times and Ben will tell you that I am a worry wort just like my grandmother and has even dubbed me "Mary Junior." When I get a little sketchy because I am fearful I often remember these valuable words and try not to let my fear direct my decisions.

So be it. I adopted this thought process back in October of 2009 when I was told that I had dangerous types of precancerous cells in my uterus that increased my chances of developing uterine cancer in the next 5 years by 25-30%. I was given a choice of a hysterectomy or cancer. I remember when the doctor told me what I was facing and I told him "I'm sorry I can't do cancer. I just can't." Within a month and a few days before Thanksgiving I was headed into surgery hoping and praying that when they removed my uterus and tested it that they would not find actual cancer cells so that I would not need a follow up surgery to remove my ovaries. 32 is too young to go through menopause!

Going into surgery and being fearful of the unknown I finally had to give up my fears and say "So be it." This brought me back to my sophmore year of college and reading Milan Kundera's The Unbearable Lightness of Being and the topic of Beethoven's "Muss es sein? Es muss sein!" (Must it be? It must be?) I remember coming out of surgery and vaguely remember the next day thinking in my head "Es muss sein!" and thinking that if the worst was cancer so be it. I could do nothing to change if cancer was present. A few weeks later the pathologist report came back clean and I was told that I would be able to keep my ovaries. As I spent the next 6 weeks recovering from surgery and elated that it was not as bad as it could have been I began to think back on 'it must be' and began to do what anyone would naturally do while mourning the loss of their uterus and though 'why me?' Which brings me to my next important thing.

All things happen for a reason whether we understand them or not. I am still not sure why all the things, both good and bad, have happened in my life but I am 100% sure that all of these things have happened for a reason. I usually attribute it to the idea that at some point I will be placed in the path of another who is going through something similar and I will be either an example or an experienced shoulder to lean and cry on. Somethings, like moving to Utah and adopting my son, I have figured out the reason for and others I am still dumbfounded. I try not to spend time with the 'why' thoughts and just shrug and tell myself that one day I will know but for now I just need to know that all things happen for a reason.

I can't change the past but I can change the present. This was born of a quote that my mother is fond of and I of course can't remember the whole thing so this is the shortened version. As I mentioned there are many things both good and bad that have happened to me during the course of my 33 years on earth and I sometimes look back on the past and am enveloped by a flurry of emotions. I can't not change any of the things that have happened or that I have done or said. The only thing that I can control is how I feel now and what I do and say now so that tomorrow can be what I want it to be. It's not an easy thing to live by but something I strive for.

Go with the flow. Change is inevitable and can be painful and hard. My first reaction is to resist but as I age (not that 33 is old; okay it kind of is) I find that if I just sit back and go with the flow things aren't as painful as I've anticipated them to be. This is something I am still learning. Resistance to change is futile.

Live today so that you will remember it tomorrow. I have many wonderful people in my life who remind me of this frequently without ever having to say it to me. This is something I have always struggled with as I am a big planner and like to know what will happen and how things will pan out before I start anything. I have found that I spend more time in thoughts of the future and become blind to what is happening all around me. I figure that at some point I will either become crazy (note I said become) or will become senile and when that day comes I hope that I will be able to remember the best of times and all the laughter and fun that life has to offer. The only way to do that is to live today so that you will remember it tomorrow.

This post, you may think, is one of the hokiest, hallmarkish posts you have read in awhile and you may see me in a lesser light. I am okay with that. Maybe I am posting this because someone needs to read it right this minute and realize something in their life that is important to them. Maybe it is so that I can evaluate where and who I am at this point in my life. Maybe has so many possibilities. Whatever the reason, so be it.

This memory fits like a glove.

Today I took a stroll down memory lane while debating what color of Converse to buy. My first pair of chucks were a pair of impractical white hi-tops that I wore everyday for years until the soles gave out and they were no longer a recognizable shade of white. When I saw a pair of white chucks today I was flooded with memories from my childhood. My dad and uncles were abalone divers and many weekends were spent camping and fishing along the northern California coastline, mostly Salt Point and on rare occasions Van Damme (my mother's favorite because they had showers and my least favorite because a 3.5 hour car trip in the back of a Chevette with gear packed all around me left me claustrophobic and queasy.) I spent many weekends climbing those rocky cliffs and gazing out in the gray waters of the cold Pacific in those shoes. My second pair of Converse were the classic black and were also worn until the soles gave out and I must admit that the black pair I saw today were a heavy contender but eventually lost. I remembered wearing my black low tops with a pair of denim shorts and a black tee shirt with a gray peace sign on it while participating in a walk out to protest the Gulf War. It wasn't so much that I was against the war though that factored into my decision to walk out, but more so that it was a beautiful day and a great excuse to skip my junior high math class in order to sit outside on the grass at the track. All was great and beautiful until the neighboring high school fire alarm was pulled and we were told to go back to classes in the name of safety. During high school my black Converse finally died and I then had a pair of navy chucks that still make me happy when I think of them (again another heavy contender today) and all of the mischief and fun times I had with friends during high school. I must throw in an honorable mention to the pair of Vans that heavily resembled Converse and were a lovely shade of forest green that were worn during the same time. But today after reviewing all the memories that flooded in I decided to go with the charcoal gray pair and start some new memories in a new color and I am so glad I did so. As soon as I arrived home I strapped on my new chucks and wiggled my toes because this memory fits like a glove.

One of those girls

I was always a tom boy as a kid and I think it has to do with the almost mullet haircuts I was subjected to as a child. I always felt more comfortable in jeans and tee shirts than dresses since polyester was such an itchy fabric. I still hate polyester to this day. Most of my friends were boys because they were straight forward and didn't play coy and weren't overly dramatic. Plus being the only girl in a play group had it's advantages. I never had to take turns being Princess Leia and if I had a fierce opponent in a weapons fight I could always defer to a better swordsman and become the damsel in distress. I've always hated pink with one exception and that was a snazzy pair of Reebok high tops with straps in Barbie pink. Okay, I concede I was slightly girly but I was never one of those girls.

You know the kind of girl that I am talking about. She's the one we tomboys always secretly wanted to be because she always had your best boy friend as a boyfriend. She's the one that all your boy friends would secretly look at and quickly agree that she should be Princess Leia even though she didn't have brown hair and her mother hadn't spent an hour and a box of bobby pins to make the cinnamon roll buns on either side of her head so she could be the best Princess Leia ever and you were designated as Chewbacca and your cinnamon roll buns on either side of your head were really secret weapons like grenades or proximity mines or lasers. You hated her then and you still hate her now in her many incarnations as friend, family, co-worker and neighbor.

I have often attempted to be one of those girls and usually fail miserably or I am completely blessed with a level and middle of the road kind of head. Junior high and all of its comforming glory destroyed most of my long standing friendships with boys. Boys whom I had bested in wicked games of tetherball began to distance themselves unless I had made friends with one of the cute girls and then I was their way in and hopefully I could help a brother out with at least her phone number. It was then that I decided to play the ruse of girly girl and was a faithful make up wearer and conversed often enough on the phone that my family lost all contact with the outside world for a few years. I began to worry about nonsensical things like labels on clothing and what 17 magazine determined was the best moisturizer to prevent wrinkles and make you look younger. Dear goodness, how old can a junior high kid really look? Perms were way hot during that time and I had a huge inner rage towards them since all of my girl friends would talk about going to get perms and I had naturally curly hair. I felt as if I was being excluded from the cool kids table and was missing out on all of those important life events that would shape my future self. It was then that my mother began to instill her down to earth and hippie-esque mantras into my impressionable mind. Many times she has told me to enhance what is naturally there and keep things simple and everything will work out how it is supposed to and to not worry so much (p.s. If you don't know me I am a big worrier and is something I inherited from my grandmother along with spying through windows at my neighbors which is another story in and of itself.) As a typical preteen and teenager I would smirk and spout off some sarcastic and what I considered a somewhat witty comment expressing my lack of will power to take to heart anything she said while secretly I took to heart everything she said and convinced myself that I was the smartest chick ever and so mature for my age to be coming up with such good stuff.

You would think that at my ripe old age of 33 I would have it together but I still find myself slightly torn not because I really want to be one of those girls but because I am still finding my happy medium. I don't get my nails done and I don't go to fancy salons and I really like the trucker type grandma who cuts my hair at Great Clips because she does a damn fine job with naturally curly hair. I've only had my hair "professionally" dyed once and still have never had it permed. I don't know designer brands and the eschalons of shoes but I do know that comfort counts NO MATTER WHAT OR WHERE! I've found that jeans, a tee shirt and some converse are still my favorite and preferred ensemble. I have my best boy friend as my husband and a little boy that could whoop me in tetherball if he was tall enough to reach the ball. Does this mean that I secretly hate my friends, family, co-workers and neighbors that are one of those girls? Nope. It just means that we don't see completely eye to eye and I'm Princess Leia forever dammit.